Have you been feeling an unrelenting churning from within your soul that your life is meant for something greater than you’ve allowed yourself to embrace? No matter what you may do to resist or ignore this churning, you cannot resist it any longer.


That’s how my life has felt in the last several years. Even after many years of serving in the ministry alongside my husband, I felt this deeper longing that didn’t make any sense to me.


It was subtle at first--but it grew louder and louder than ever.


It was in 2011 that I first heard the term “goddess” and hearing it caused me to drop to my knees with tears that would not stop flowing. I didn’t know what was happening to me at that time. I only knew that I couldn’t resist this inward pull any longer.


I followed it wholeheartedly. And doing so caused nearly every foundation in my world to crumble underneath me. I had only known of a masculine deity. But I could not resist or ignore this feminine essence that called to me from deep within my heart and soul.


My husband and I had been senior pastors in our local Christian fellowship that we cofounded. It was several years later that we both saw the signs blaring in front of us--it’s time to leave.


Many things had already begun to shift in our lives. Our foundational beliefs that once kept us so fervent in our love and service to God and the church began to feel misaligned to our evolving awareness.


We questioned everything that did not resonate.


We both felt such a deep yearning to follow the call of our inner soul’s. We kept questioning spiritual things in our lives. Then my husband got very ill. It was the build-up of not listening to his souls guidance to get out of the ministry when we had the chance to course correct a few years before.


We lost what felt like everything at the time. We both felt lost as well.


Our house was foreclosed on us--not because we weren’t paying our mortgage. We were part of a big mortgage refinance scam that we had no idea we were victims of until it was too late.


The pressure of having to keep up in our roles as senior pastors weighed heavy on us both as well. Counseling, mentoring and hospital visits were regular expectations for us, besides our regular weekly Sunday fellowship. And to make pressure even heavier, my husband was working in a junior engineer position that he was selected for to proceed his supervisor after his retirement--which caused him to work under extremely demanding conditions.


Something had to break down--and it was his body that was the weakest at that time. He ended up in the emergency at our local hospital. Our world was crumbling before our eyes. We had to make a big decision.


After much prayer and discussion, we chose to walk away from it all.


The church and the people which was more like family to us then, the house that we loved, even friendships that felt misaligned, and eventually, the jobs that brought us so much financial security.


The entire year of 2012 was the year of purging, healing and evolution for us both.


He took his sick leave with pay and used this time to heal and replenish himself back to health under his doctor’s care.


I used that time to go within my own sacred cave of healing, detoxing from years of patriarchal programming, and healing deep wounds from years of unhealthy patterns.


Much of the feminine energy was rising into my conscious awareness during this time. This energy pursued me like nothing I had ever experienced. It was Divine Mother making Herself known to me. She took me on a long journey of awakening--and it felt like I was asleep for eons. I was being guided to remember what has always been within me.


I know now that during this season, I went through the dark night of the soul - a term that I now associate with an initiation of my awakening. It brought up all kinds of mind trips that made me feel like I was losing my shit. I knew deeper within that I was going through the fire of refinement. I intuitively knew that it was my conscious cleansing time, and no one was allowed to speak into my life during this time. My soul made sure of that.


A lot of revelations came to me. It was necessary for me to be alone, in my sacred cave, to hear the only voice that truly matters. My own! I had ignored my own inner wisdom and wise voice for way too long, entrusting myself and my life to authority figures that made me believe that they knew what God wanted for me, more than I knew for myself.


I took extra time to be present with my incubation period--as I knew that the gestation of the vision that was becoming more and more clear to my awareness required massive nurturing and a higher consciousness that my mind had to be clear to receive.


After a few years, I opened up to receiving support and mentoring once again. I did my inner work necessary to heal and let go of a lot of wounds, misperceptions, and worn out belief systems that did not resonate anymore.


I began to feel my inner fire begin to burn like a fiery flame once again. A fire I knew all too familiar when I was a Jesus pushing lover and holy roller charismatic. But, how was I to share all the new revelations and feelings of freedom I had been experiencing? I had only Christians following me on Facebook, and many were simply nosy bodies just wanting to know what we were up to after leaving the church.


Fears came up again.


I sat with those fears as I began to see a bigger scope of impact that I felt I wasn’t ready for yet. I knew that I was being asked to be a bridge for those who wanted a way out of dogma and religion but were too afraid to see across to the other side.


I knew those fears all too well. They were familiar companions.


I allowed my higher self, and my loving mentors and guides, as well as my beautiful husband to support me during the most incredible birthing of my life--my true self.  


My inner stirrings could no longer be suppressed by the fears that were holding me back from launching out into my soul’s greater mission. It felt so much like birthing a very big baby, and let me tell you--I know what birthing big babies feel like.


So, after all this sacred time that I took for my own releasing, nurturing and inner healing, I took a huge leap--bigger than I’ve ever done before.


Being a spiritual leader for nearly 3 decades had prepared me for a new breed of leadership. It has been a growing awareness to my soul’s mission.


I received an invitation to step way outside of my comfort zone--to make room for me to step more into alignment with my higher calling.


I answered the call with courage arising and booked a one-way ticket to the mainland. Leaving all the familiar surroundings that has been my home for almost 49 years, and temporarily leaving my family and our home to go on a sojourn for several months.


What you may not know about me is that my husband and I have been together since we were 17 years old, married for over 30 years. We have no intentions of ending our marriage, rather, we have agreed to allow space for each of us to grow and expand ourselves individually--without attachments to any expectations from one another.


We simply choose love at each turn and upleveling we make.


We have been on our conscious awakening and expansion for nearly 10 years now. Doing this part of our sojourn away from one another for a time period is fun and scary simultaneously. Leaving the safety nest of a loving and nurturing haven that we’ve co-created together took massive courage from me.


I’ve been deepening into my sovereignty for the first time ever. Sensing a deeper awareness of individuality. And I’m choosing to do this while staying in our Sacred Partnership.


I am rising from my soul as the woman I am fully here to be.


And I’m feeling every emotion on both sides of the spectrum--from paralyzing fears to extraordinary freedom...  


Stay tuned for Part 2 of my story...  

Olana Barros